Tired.. but hopeful

So I had an amazing weekend.. which is probably why I am so tired. I didn't sleep a wink last night. But its OK b/c I finally had a weekend with Lee! Its been like 5 maybe 6 weeks of him working. What a glorious weekend it was to be outside and that is exactly what we did! We went to the park, we went for a walk we rode our bikes! It was great! The best thing ever is that I finally feel a small difference in my food intake. I went out to eat with him yesterday and I was only able to eat maybe a quarter to a half of what I used to eat. The calories I'm letting in is definitely a lot less then what I was consuming. I already made my appointment for 3 weeks to have another adjustment to go tighter. I think this is finally going to start working. My God after months and months and months of thinking this wasn't going to work, weight gain and disappointments I finally feel.. hopeful....

Comments anyone?

Feeling great today! It is beautiful out and the sun is shining! Tonight is American Idol and I'm going to watch with my family and a taco night for dinner. I'm sitting at work, its a little after 4pm and I can't wait to go home and enjoy the daylight. Its going to be nice out all week too which is good.

Anyway the entire point of this blog was to say that I encourage comments. I know it may seem weird to write to someone you don't know but I really enjoy reading what other people think. So If you happen to stumble across my blog or if your an avid reader please don't hesitate to chime in with your opinions and thoughts. My only rule is that they not be nasty or mean.

Well I guess thats it.. almost "going home" time.. : )

Be ok!

So its 3:02am and I can't sleep. I took this really long amazing nap at my parents house this afternoon. It was one of those kind of naps that brought me back to childhood. Like the ones where you played all day and you crashed after your mom gave you dinner. The sound of the rain on the roof and the hum of the low volume from the TV. My family dog McKenzie (a french bulldog who has the entire family wrapped around her finger) snuggled up next to me. I thought I was gonna be ok for tonight but I couldn't have been more wrong. I have been lying in bed since 12 and I know I have not fallen asleep. I felt a tightness in my chest and my head popped up. I got "that" feeling in my head for a quick second. (for those of you reading this who don't know what I mean when I quote the word "that" please read my "panic attack" blog) Thats all it really takes for my heart to race. So I got up and took a 1/2 xanex. Im am definitely getting my period.. I know I know TMI. Already as I write this I feel better, which is a good thing. Usually a feeling like that could send me into a tail spin.

I have to get healthy! Things are wrong.. really wrong. I don't eat right, I don't excersize, I drink, I smoke. I'm a mess! And yet I still do nothing about it. I don't know what is wrong with me.. Its like I know what to do, but I don't do it and I don't know why. That is so frustrating and it doesn't make sense. How can that be? How stupid can I be? How long until that damn lightbulb goes off in my head? Maybe I don't need a lightbulb moment this time.. maybe I just need to do! But even as I write that I know that I won't.

So Happy.. I'm anxious! lol

So.. This blog has NOTHING to do with my weight or anything BUT.. I had to share my happy feelings.. So I just found out last night that my boyfriend and I will be moving in with one of our good friends. She has an apartment upstairs and its perfect for us. Everything we could ever want in an apartment and Its less money that we pay now. Also we will be having a HUGE garage sale which I've been wanting to have b/c I have to much stuff to sell and I could really use the money! Then my boss tells me this morning that he has a friend that needs a graphic designer and he gave him my number. AHHHH!!! So many things to be happy about! I hope someone reads this and gets happy!! : )

SO HARD!

So I didn't get to go to the gym yesterday. Instead I went out to eat with Lee. I have to say though that throughout the day I did eat well. Today.. I kinda did.. I ate healthy all day then had subway! which was delish! but what I will do is have a very small dinner like soup or something. I finally spoke to my LapBand office and got them to make another appointment to finally fix my first adjustment! I know I'm being a brat and relying so much on this its just that.. this is WHY i got the surgery. BC I can't be left to my own devises. I say one thing, do another. I do good one day, bad the next. I want to be able to have this restraint where I eat and feel full right away. This surgery was not only a lot of money but a lot of planning and preparation. Since I started the process back in October I have gained weight. which makes NO sense at all! UGh I am just really frustrated. I just gotta keep on truckin!

WAKE UP CALL!!

I am such an idiot! I have been doing this LapBand thing all WRONG! I've been asleep at the wheel.. Well I'm done. Something went off in my head this morning that went 'DING DING DING DING' I have to stop relying so much on my surgery and start meeting it half way. I'm never gonna lose weight eating the way I was eating and NOT working out. I mean how much more of a brat can I be. My gym is paid for and around the corner from my job. I can't get much more convenient than that. So today after work I WILL.. not I'll try to go to the gym. I made a great play list, I have my gym clothes its a beautiful sunny day today there is NO reason why. I am also going to start eating better and making better food choices. For breakfast today I had low sugar oatmeal, for lunch I took a small portion of my moms left overs and for snack I have peaches and no sugar added apple sauce. I am also drinking plenty of water. NEXT on my agenda is to finally finish reading Breaking Dawn and start reading the secret. I believe there is something to be said about positive thinking and attracting what you want! So this is my new religion. I want to breath positivity and well being! I am done being this way!

Btw... Didn't go to the gym. I suck!

To gym it or not to gym it.?

That is the question.. and of course we all know the answer. GO! Ugh and I will im just so not in the mood. Its cold and rainy out and my God all I want to do is curl up on my couch with Andy. I said I would today and I even brought my gym bag with me. Its like right around the corner. I just wish I could get back into it like I was before. I used to go all the time and love it. There was a time when I wouldn't miss a day. There was a time when I was so all about going! Then that drive just left me for his gay lover Juan. lol but on a serious note..I have to start somewhere and I have a lot to do.
Well Just wanted to vent about that. Lets hope my car drives me there before heading home.. : /

I'm back!

Well here I am again ready to write about my life.. I know my last blog was suppose to be a goodbye and I guess It was for a while but then I came to a realization almost all my blogs were revolved around my weight problem and the LapBand surgery. SO I decided to dedicate this blog to just that! I have been wanting to write and vent about my struggles with this and I feel like if anyone does read this, maybe my experience will help them.

That being said, lets get right down to business..
It is February 22 and I have not lost a single pound since my surgery in December. In fact I gained 2 pounds. I had my first adjustment last week and I feel no difference!
BTW lets go back to that for a quick second. My first adjustment was a NIGHTMARE!
It took about 1/2 hour, I was on the verge of tears, It hurt it was invasive it was uncomfortable and I did not like it one bit! So annoyed that I have to go back soon and get it fixed.

I saw this picture of myself last week and almost cried at how horrible!!! I looked!!
This is me at my absolute heaviest. 242lbs. I cannot believe it. How embarrassing!



My goal is to reverse this damage. It's going to be a long road and it's going to be hard but I have to do this!

What I ate today:

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of cottage cheese

Lunch: 2 small pieces of chicken with
Mozz cheese and onions

snack: no sugar added apple sauce..

Dinner: I don't know yet
but most likely portabello mushrooms
creamed spinach.. yum...