So its 3:02am and I can't sleep. I took this really long amazing nap at my parents house this afternoon. It was one of those kind of naps that brought me back to childhood. Like the ones where you played all day and you crashed after your mom gave you dinner. The sound of the rain on the roof and the hum of the low volume from the TV. My family dog McKenzie (a french bulldog who has the entire family wrapped around her finger) snuggled up next to me. I thought I was gonna be ok for tonight but I couldn't have been more wrong. I have been lying in bed since 12 and I know I have not fallen asleep. I felt a tightness in my chest and my head popped up. I got "that" feeling in my head for a quick second. (for those of you reading this who don't know what I mean when I quote the word "that" please read my "panic attack" blog) Thats all it really takes for my heart to race. So I got up and took a 1/2 xanex. Im am definitely getting my period.. I know I know TMI. Already as I write this I feel better, which is a good thing. Usually a feeling like that could send me into a tail spin.
I have to get healthy! Things are wrong.. really wrong. I don't eat right, I don't excersize, I drink, I smoke. I'm a mess! And yet I still do nothing about it. I don't know what is wrong with me.. Its like I know what to do, but I don't do it and I don't know why. That is so frustrating and it doesn't make sense. How can that be? How stupid can I be? How long until that damn lightbulb goes off in my head? Maybe I don't need a lightbulb moment this time.. maybe I just need to do! But even as I write that I know that I won't.
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