4 days and counting...

Thursday is the big day and I really couldn't be more excited. It's so funny, I'm usually a very worrisome person and I am not the least bit nervous about my surgery. I guess I am looking at it as a sense of hope. Imagine an alcoholic who has a severe addiction and then having a surgery done to prevent you from drinking. That is the way I am feeling about this. People really don't understand the extent of my problem. I am not afraid, ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I am addicted to food. I use it to accompany any and every emotion I have. In the past year it has only gotten worse and it is now a detriment to my health. I have sleep apnea, high cholesterol and I just found out I have a "high enzyme count" in my liver. I really don't know what that means but my doctor pretty much said he's not going to worry about it because thankfully all these things will go away after the surgery. All I can think about is getting my life back on track. I feel like everything is upside down right now. I do everything in excess! I drink too much, eat too much and because of that I spend too much. I eat too fast, I talk to fast... etc you get the picture. After talking to many people about this who have already had the surgery including my parents I have found out that they all learned to take their time. They learned to appreciate their food and enjoy it not just scarf it down. They learned to drink less and just enjoy drinking not chugging and chugging just to get drunk. My cousin Jennifer who had it done said that she has really completely changed, pretty much everything. I mean when you have an addiction and you use that addiction to occupy your time and energy, it takes away from other things that you could be doing. So after Thursday when and if I feel the urge to binge and go off the wall, I will HAVE to remember that my stomach won't allow it. There is no doubt in my mind that this is going to be very difficult. It's going to be a journey, its going to be a struggle. But the difference this time in comparison to every other time I tried to lose weight is that I know I have something else helping me and I WON'T be able to give up. One part of me is selfishly going to miss going to parties and being able to drink whatever I want, whenever I want. But I have proven to myself that time and time again that I cannot be trusted with myself. I need this more than anyone really knows. I need something to help me slow down because I was seriously eating and drinking myself to death.