Anxiety!

So I was in bed, everything was fine, I was just tossing and turning a bit when there it was. That familiar horror... that pang in the pit of my stomach. The sharp pain in my head that was so apparent that it made me grab it as if to soothe whatever it was that was creating that damn tickle in my brain. It's so funny when that feeling creeps up on you. It's probably the most overwhelming feeling I have ever experienced in my entire life and even with all the knowledge of what exactly it is that I am feeling, the terror that it will never go away, always seems to linger. Around this time last year was when I lived through my scariest moment. I will never forget that morning. I was at Lee's apartment the night before. We were drinking and playing beer pong, blasting music and dancing around. When I woke up on his couch I could feel "that" feeling immediately. I got up, grabbed my things and went home. My parents were out of town that week, which for me doesn't help my anxiety, I know it may sound silly but I don't like being too far from them, especially my mother. When I got to the house, it was quiet. My dogs were happy to see me and I was happy to see them however that feeling never left the back of my mind, nor the pit of my stomach. My brother was sleeping in his room. I tried to ignore it. I tried to watch TV and cuddle with my dogs but my feeling decided to get the best of me. I raced around my house and flew to the kitchen where I grabbed ice by the handfuls and started putting on my head and around my chest. I wanted it to sting! I wanted it to hurt! I wanted it to take WHAT I WAS FEELING AWAY! I paced up and down the stairs as ice dropped on the floor and melted. I pulled at my hair and threw ice against the wall and yelled!
My brother came downstairs and saw me freaking out and to this day it still hurts me that he didn't take what I was feeling seriously, he just told me to calm down. He took a seat in the dining room table and I told him to drive me to the hospital. He said "there isn't anything they can do, you're having an anxiety attack". I said fine! I will drive myself. I jumped in the car and flew there like I was escaping the cops. I parked my car and ran in. With tears running down my face, dressed in sweats from the night before. My hair in a messy pony tail, make up running and all. I told them I was having an anxiety attack and I needed help. I sat with a nice woman who took my vitals. I told her that I needed ice. She looked at me like was crazy. I remember once nurse looking at me like I was a homeless drug addict because that is exactly how I looked. She said you have to wait 10 minutes before going in. I went outside and, I remember how beautiful it was out that day. A perfect Fall, Sunday morning and I was roaming the parking lot still holding my ice and putting it all over my body to numb the pain I was feeling. People walking in looked at me like I was crazy and I looked at them wishing I could feel normal just for one second. They called me in and I just sat there... waiting to see a doctor. I sat in the emergency ward where every other bed was an old person who looked like they were waiting to die, that freaked me out and didn't help. Finally this tall man walked up and started asking me questions about what I had done earlier?, what I did last night?, if I did drugs?, if I drank? After waiting for a while he gave me something. I think it was Ada van? Well, it knocked me out and passed out for 4 hours. I curled up on the bed, still holding my cup of ice and fell asleep while the tears still rolled and dripped from my face. I felt someone sitting next to me, it was my aunt Yasmin and Lee. They came to see me, which made me feel so much better. But my brain felt like mush. Between the stress it was under during the attack and the medication I felt so groggy... I ended up doing a bunch of tests including a CAT scan and EKG. After talking to the doctor I was finally released. I felt better, but so defeated. I felt so hopeless and scared. I was terrified of feeling that ever again. As I write this I tears streaming down my face because this is the first time, I have ever written about that day and omg does it bring back so many memories. I am so happy that I decided to take medication. I know it's not for everyone but what I felt that day, on a scale from 1-10 was an eleven. Days and weeks prior to that I was feeling at about a 4-7 ALL THE TIME. Before that major attack I was a ticking time bomb. I never knew when or why my anxiety would kick in and the fear of having one left me always on edge. I have been on Lexapro now for over a year and I couldn't be happier with the results. But every once and a while (especially before "the girl thing") I tent to get hints of it but like I said before even though they only last for a period of time, while going through it the horror of it never going away is down right terrifying. Before I wrote this I took 1/2 a xanex to calm me down and now I feel ok. I feel a sense of relief that I got this off my chest and tired because my God I have been writing for quite sometime... I am tired now.. goodnight..