4 days and counting...

Thursday is the big day and I really couldn't be more excited. It's so funny, I'm usually a very worrisome person and I am not the least bit nervous about my surgery. I guess I am looking at it as a sense of hope. Imagine an alcoholic who has a severe addiction and then having a surgery done to prevent you from drinking. That is the way I am feeling about this. People really don't understand the extent of my problem. I am not afraid, ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I am addicted to food. I use it to accompany any and every emotion I have. In the past year it has only gotten worse and it is now a detriment to my health. I have sleep apnea, high cholesterol and I just found out I have a "high enzyme count" in my liver. I really don't know what that means but my doctor pretty much said he's not going to worry about it because thankfully all these things will go away after the surgery. All I can think about is getting my life back on track. I feel like everything is upside down right now. I do everything in excess! I drink too much, eat too much and because of that I spend too much. I eat too fast, I talk to fast... etc you get the picture. After talking to many people about this who have already had the surgery including my parents I have found out that they all learned to take their time. They learned to appreciate their food and enjoy it not just scarf it down. They learned to drink less and just enjoy drinking not chugging and chugging just to get drunk. My cousin Jennifer who had it done said that she has really completely changed, pretty much everything. I mean when you have an addiction and you use that addiction to occupy your time and energy, it takes away from other things that you could be doing. So after Thursday when and if I feel the urge to binge and go off the wall, I will HAVE to remember that my stomach won't allow it. There is no doubt in my mind that this is going to be very difficult. It's going to be a journey, its going to be a struggle. But the difference this time in comparison to every other time I tried to lose weight is that I know I have something else helping me and I WON'T be able to give up. One part of me is selfishly going to miss going to parties and being able to drink whatever I want, whenever I want. But I have proven to myself that time and time again that I cannot be trusted with myself. I need this more than anyone really knows. I need something to help me slow down because I was seriously eating and drinking myself to death.

A-Z about me...

A is my Ability
B is my Boundless self confidence
C is for little Coward that lives inside me
D is Dork because lets face it.. I am one.
E is for my Ego b/c I def have one
F is for Friendly nature
G is for Gorgeous! come on now!
H is for the Horror I feel when going through an anxiety attack!
I is for my Independance
J is for my least favorite of my relationship qualities Jealous
K is my Kindness
L represents the Love I have in my heart
M is for Moxie
N is for my Naughty side. Every girl has one!
O is for my love of the Ocean
P is for my sometimes too BIG Personality
Q is for Quiet. Something that I am NOT
R is for Reliability.
S is for Special
T is for my Tenacity
U is for Uma Thurman b/c I couldn't think of anything else
V is for my new love of Vampires
W is for is for my new love of Werewolves
X is for my Xanax which helps with my anxiety!
Y is for my Yankees!!!!
Z represents the 26th letter of the alphabet which is my fav number.

HERE WE GO!

SO Last night I went to one of last few appointments before my surgery in 2 weeks. And I have to start taking Optifast to help not only lose some weight but also to shrink my liver so that the procedure goes smoothly. I can't eat or drink anything but the Optifast shakes, bars, water, sugar free jello and broth. OH yeah and I also cannot DRINK FOR ALMOST A MONTH. This will be my biggest feat. I enjoy drinking wine at home and going out with my friends. It will not be impossible just difficult. I have a handful of events coming up in the next week or so that will prove to be big challenges. No eating or drinking. Dr. Vohra said that I can enjoy my thanksgiving meal but only that one night and NO alcohol! My friends are going to be like wtf?? Stefanie is not eating or drinking.. ?? OKay.. Basically this is it. I have to follow this strict plan for the next few weeks and then December 3rd, Surgery here I come. Its funny I am not at all nervous about it. maybe because I have not yet rationalized what is actually happening or maybe because I have never had surgery before so I don't even know what to feel. I am very excited though, to finally be taking such a BIG committed step to getting a grip on my addiction. I am very hopeful, very happy and I cannot wait. Trust me not being able to drink sucks, not being able to enjoy delicious food for the next 2 weeks sucks. But nothing will match how amazing I will feel in the next couple of months when I lose like 30lbs. I am stoked!! Anyway wish me luck and lets see how it goes...

Anxiety!

So I was in bed, everything was fine, I was just tossing and turning a bit when there it was. That familiar horror... that pang in the pit of my stomach. The sharp pain in my head that was so apparent that it made me grab it as if to soothe whatever it was that was creating that damn tickle in my brain. It's so funny when that feeling creeps up on you. It's probably the most overwhelming feeling I have ever experienced in my entire life and even with all the knowledge of what exactly it is that I am feeling, the terror that it will never go away, always seems to linger. Around this time last year was when I lived through my scariest moment. I will never forget that morning. I was at Lee's apartment the night before. We were drinking and playing beer pong, blasting music and dancing around. When I woke up on his couch I could feel "that" feeling immediately. I got up, grabbed my things and went home. My parents were out of town that week, which for me doesn't help my anxiety, I know it may sound silly but I don't like being too far from them, especially my mother. When I got to the house, it was quiet. My dogs were happy to see me and I was happy to see them however that feeling never left the back of my mind, nor the pit of my stomach. My brother was sleeping in his room. I tried to ignore it. I tried to watch TV and cuddle with my dogs but my feeling decided to get the best of me. I raced around my house and flew to the kitchen where I grabbed ice by the handfuls and started putting on my head and around my chest. I wanted it to sting! I wanted it to hurt! I wanted it to take WHAT I WAS FEELING AWAY! I paced up and down the stairs as ice dropped on the floor and melted. I pulled at my hair and threw ice against the wall and yelled!
My brother came downstairs and saw me freaking out and to this day it still hurts me that he didn't take what I was feeling seriously, he just told me to calm down. He took a seat in the dining room table and I told him to drive me to the hospital. He said "there isn't anything they can do, you're having an anxiety attack". I said fine! I will drive myself. I jumped in the car and flew there like I was escaping the cops. I parked my car and ran in. With tears running down my face, dressed in sweats from the night before. My hair in a messy pony tail, make up running and all. I told them I was having an anxiety attack and I needed help. I sat with a nice woman who took my vitals. I told her that I needed ice. She looked at me like was crazy. I remember once nurse looking at me like I was a homeless drug addict because that is exactly how I looked. She said you have to wait 10 minutes before going in. I went outside and, I remember how beautiful it was out that day. A perfect Fall, Sunday morning and I was roaming the parking lot still holding my ice and putting it all over my body to numb the pain I was feeling. People walking in looked at me like I was crazy and I looked at them wishing I could feel normal just for one second. They called me in and I just sat there... waiting to see a doctor. I sat in the emergency ward where every other bed was an old person who looked like they were waiting to die, that freaked me out and didn't help. Finally this tall man walked up and started asking me questions about what I had done earlier?, what I did last night?, if I did drugs?, if I drank? After waiting for a while he gave me something. I think it was Ada van? Well, it knocked me out and passed out for 4 hours. I curled up on the bed, still holding my cup of ice and fell asleep while the tears still rolled and dripped from my face. I felt someone sitting next to me, it was my aunt Yasmin and Lee. They came to see me, which made me feel so much better. But my brain felt like mush. Between the stress it was under during the attack and the medication I felt so groggy... I ended up doing a bunch of tests including a CAT scan and EKG. After talking to the doctor I was finally released. I felt better, but so defeated. I felt so hopeless and scared. I was terrified of feeling that ever again. As I write this I tears streaming down my face because this is the first time, I have ever written about that day and omg does it bring back so many memories. I am so happy that I decided to take medication. I know it's not for everyone but what I felt that day, on a scale from 1-10 was an eleven. Days and weeks prior to that I was feeling at about a 4-7 ALL THE TIME. Before that major attack I was a ticking time bomb. I never knew when or why my anxiety would kick in and the fear of having one left me always on edge. I have been on Lexapro now for over a year and I couldn't be happier with the results. But every once and a while (especially before "the girl thing") I tent to get hints of it but like I said before even though they only last for a period of time, while going through it the horror of it never going away is down right terrifying. Before I wrote this I took 1/2 a xanex to calm me down and now I feel ok. I feel a sense of relief that I got this off my chest and tired because my God I have been writing for quite sometime... I am tired now.. goodnight..

Holiday Wish List...

I know.. I know..
It's very kiddish.. and my 'rents already bought me an iMac but I still think it's so fun to be a kid and write down all thing things you wish you could open up for Christmas morning.

ok here we go...

1- Nintendo Wii
2- Mario Kart & Super Mario Bros for Nintendo Wii
3- Blue tooth head set with sparkles on it.
4- Sephora gift card
5- New camera that has a screen on the front so I can take vain pictures of me and my hot friends
6- Bose, white speaker to plug my iPhone in for parties.
7- Laser eye surgery
8- A small sparkly clutch

Ok I think that is it...

For the record.. this is a "fake" wish list I absolutely do NOT expect any of these gifts, obvi... but.... a girl can dream...

Just realized Thanksgiving in next week. Bring on the Holidays baby!

Busy Bee...

So my surgery is coming up shortly.. 17 days to be exact and man do I have so many things to do before! I thought I was busy before but between now and next Wednesday I have 5 appointments! That is ridiculous. Anyway I was also happy that today when I got to work I knew we were going to busy. It makes my day go by so fast! I have to stop at Old Navy on the way home and exchange Lee's jacket, I need a bigger size. Nothing fits this boy. When I get him a medium, he needs a large, when I buy large, he needs a medium. UGH!!
I am happy for the upcoming mini vacation. I have to think about what I want to do the night before Thanksgiving that always proves to be an amazing night..(Ali what do you think about Luxe?) I def wanna dance and have a great time!

alright.. back to work :)
Happy Monday!

Friday 13th...

So it's the infamous Friday the thirteenth on this gloomy, windy and quite ominous Fall day. Perfect setting for a horror scene. Quite the contrary to how I feel. Besides being full because I had a huge and delicious breakfast I am feeling happy, which is a good thing obviously. I am also a bit tired and groggy. I could totally go back into my bed and snuggle with my Andy Panda. But instead I am at work... and it's so not busy which actually makes me so bored. I would rather it be so busy so the day would fly by. I'm also sporting my new watch today. Its black with sparkles all around the face. I have this affinity for watches and anything that sparkles. Anyway so, I just wanted to write in on how I was feeling today. As I write this my right foot is twitching like I've had too much coffee. I so wanna leave and do something else. I don't know especially on Fridays I get so restless. I'm sure other people feel the same way. It's like I have been here all week and basically I am counting the hours until I can leave, go home and have 2 days off. You know come to think of it I would love to punch the guy in the face, who ever decided that 5 days of work would be allowed and only 2 days of rest.. I mean at least do 4 to 3. I don't get it, that must have been a miserable person. If I had my choice actually I would have Wednesdays off. I have had this debate with people before like, why wouldn't I want Friday or Monday off. But if you think about it, If you have Wednesday off you never have to work more than 2 days a week.
Monday feels like Thursday, Tuesday feels like Friday. It's amazing. Last year I had a lot of vacation days saved up I think I had 9. What I did was for last few months of the year (November, December) I took every Wednesday off for 2 months and let me tell you, it was the most relaxing, stress free thing I ever did. The mental clarity was unbelievable. I mean going into a work week completely sucks, I don't care how much you love your job (which I do for the record) but when you know you have a midweek break and you can relax on Tuesday evening and have sleep in Wednesday morning it's the best thing in the whole world. WOW, I don't know how this became so long. I have to go back to "work" now lol. I hope everyone enjoys their day/weekend. It's not going to be very nice but make the best of it!

I look crazy

I came to my moms house for dinner and while I was here I found A scarf I left here. It's bright pink with a pretty squiggly "S" on it. So I've got that wrapped around my neck. I was playing with McKenzie so my hair is in a messy but slightly cute bun. I am wearing a grey and black shirt....and to top it all off, Andy got a little excited and tinkled on my pants so I'm now sporting my brothers plaid pants. The glasses I'm wearing don't help either.....

Stop signs for buses~!

OK so on the way to work this morning, I realized that buses don't have the stop sign that school buses have.. NOW I know what you are thinking.. School buses need the stop sign because it is for the safety of little children. However not to be mean or anything but there are some stupid human beings running around this planet. What about the safety of drivers who "assume" that adults won't jet out in the street! I'm just saying..

Happy Tuesday!

just venting...

Gotta love Monday mornings especially when you have to take a stress test and run on a treadmill!!!! UGH I am so lying. For all of you who do not know. I am getting the Lapband surgery December 3rd and need to get clearance. SO I have been going to every doctor imaginable. Heart, lungs, blood work, sleep tests, x-rays, sonograms, echos, EKG's... etc.
It's crazy. I mean I know it is necessary but my God it's not only exhausting but expensive, every test is a $30 co-pay which is not a lot if I didn't have like 2-3 appointments every week, but it is pretty much over. I saved the most expensive thing for last, I have to meet with a therapist, just ONE SESSION IS $175.00!! like seriously when she told me that I was like, get f*ck outta here! But I guess it is what it is. After that I just have to focus really hard on losing like 10lbs before the surgery. That's not so hard except for the fact that right smack in the middle of this period is this little known holiday called THANKSGIVING! And to top it all off my mother is the most amazing cook ever especially on this day. She goes all out every year.

Whatever i'll figure it out..
like i always do...

spelling....

Its weird some times i am an amazing speller sometimes I am not.. I would say actually that I am like the "Rain Man" of spelling. Like for instance ask me to spell Antidisestablishmentarianism (the longest word in the English language) correct. But then ill write recieve wrong... lol

can we say overwhelming?

My First Blog!

So it's 11:16am, Friday. I should be working but on what? Who am I kidding right now we are slow. You already know why, no need to say the "E" word. But it's not only that though our company is in the middle of a merge/crossover so that doesn't help the situation either. Enough of about work or lack there of for that matter. I decided to start blogging, well because I am a girl with a lot to say and it's about time. Thanks to my fellow colleague Angeli, who showed me blogspot I am able to do so. I tried using Wordpress but I don't know if i'm just stupid but I could not figure it out for the life of me and I would say that I am a pretty computer savvy girl. Anyway so I also have a Live Journal account which was pretty cool but I never stuck with it. I really don't know why now that I come to think of it. Anyway so here I am writing about nothing actually, I just wanted to get started. I don't know what is to come but hopefully some fun juicy stuff.